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the hands on the clock may say not now but the heart holds no timer.

i believe one of the hardest things to decipher is who to fight for and who to let go of, who you think you’re in love with and who you’re really in love with. especially when someone is in front of you when other people aren’t. as someone whose tried to fight for all the wrong things & make the wrong things right, i can tell the difference. it’s not always easy to see when you’re in a situation but when you’re out of it, it’s easy to know if it was love or not. if it passes quickly and your heart doesn’t ache at the loss; it was something very much less than love. if it continues and the sadness stings everyday, regardless of distance and time; it’s something more. you see, when you really love someone but the timing isn’t right – you contemplate walking out of their life because they made their choice but what choice did they have if you remained silent and just walked away? just because circumstance or timing or various situations are present doesn’t mean you should wait. it will pain you, especially if you’re afraid because you’re walking a thin line into the unknown with no guidance nor assistance, and only your heart to lead you through the darkness but you do it. you tell them. and then you prove it. whether it’s with actions, words, trust, waiting, impatient patience, being a friend – you do it. you withstand the scorching flames of hell, you risk everything you tried to build up, you walk away from everything and everyone you ever knew, you walk outside of your comfort zone, for that person. to get to that person. you do it because you are fighting for something that is real to you for the first time in your life. & you don’t give up on a love like that. even if it seems like all odds are against you. even if it seems impossible; like you’re marked and destined to make every mistake possible and lose everything that means anything to you. you be honest with that person because you never know unless you give yourself a fair shot. and that’s what this is truly about right? you have all of these insecurities, faults, flaws, imperfections – you make mistakes and you have bad timing – you’re scared – so you travel down the wrong paths in fear of fucking up the right ones. you doubt your beauty as if you’re not good enough because something, at some point, someone made you feel that way – like you didn’t deserve happiness or love. that there was something wrong with you. the only thing wrong with you is that you let that person define so much of your life. that you actually believed that you don’t deserve a beautiful life because you allowed that person to poison yours with lies and ugliness, with hatred and betrayal. that you pursue the people you know you’re not right for, who are not right for you because you think you deserve something less than extraordinary. the day you really fall in love with someone, you will know because it is the day you will determine who you are, the day you become who you are going to be. you will know because it is the first time you will ever be honest with another human being. it will be the first time you will be honest with yourself. you’ll know because it will be this significant turning point in your life – where you see a person walking down a road to someone else and you have such a heart that you want them happy so you turn to walk away and let life be .. and then you feel a jolt in your chest and you take hold of your happiness – you turn back around and you go to them and you tell them every moment they made you smile, every emotion that struck your body when they touched you, every ounce of love in your heart. you take hold of your life. because you physically cannot just walk away from them without them knowing that you are completely in love with them. because you know that the two of you together would be right. because you know that you could make them happy and that they make you happy just by existing in your world. you become compelled to let them know that they have changed your life and that you are more of yourself with them, that your life is better because of them. you make a choice between being who you were – imprisoned by your own self-destruction, giving up on what’s right or finding the courage and fighting for what’s real. you may not get the response you want, hell, you might not get a response at all. it’s not a movie. but it’s a start. you shed every insecurity and you let that person see you in a light no one else has – in a raw, vulnerable state. and it doesn’t make you weak to do this, it makes you strong because 9 out of 10 people will walk away – they will embrace what’s in front of them because it’s easier, because it’s convenient, because they don’t want to hurt someone’s feeling, because they don’t want to have regrets and they think they belong on the path they began to embark on. but sometimes not having regrets means taking chances and being open to a small moment like seeing a person on a road – because that moment could be nothing and mean nothing beyond friends or it could be everything you’ve spent your life looking for – either way, then you’ll know. you’ll know which road is truly right. but to get to that moment, you have to be honest with yourself and with that person. you have to see the ugliness you’re hiding behind and let the poison go. because when you feel it with every fiber of your being, when you feel it in your bones, when it’s real – the choice you make, in that moment, on that road, it will be when you find out who you truly are. and in order to truly and completely be in love with someone, you have to let them see this side of you – you have to trust them in a way you never trusted anyone. you have to take the chance that they will know all of you and they will still not walk away. because you’re afraid. of everything. but the bravery it takes to do this with that one person you are completey head over heels in love with, the person who’s home for you, the person who’s walked beside you without knowing what’s in your heart – to tell them your truth, to not wait, to say it without knowledge of that person’s true feelings – shows the strength of a beautiful person who deserves a beautiful life, no matter what has happened in the past. and even if it seems impossible, like everything is against you, like you can’t break through because you waited too long, or you didn’t see it, or you didn’t want to admit that you were sabotaging yourself, or you took advantage of what was right in front of you – whatever the reason – people make mistakes – there are always going to be roadblocks and obstacles, difficulties, imperfections.. and honestly, i’ve come to believe the timing may never be right for anything. it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. how can you spend your life pursuing all the wrong things and give up on the right thing, and live with yourself? it’s not too late. that moment on that road will come, and if it’s real – you’ll know in your heart and feelings like those occur on such rare occasions that you don’t just throw them away. it might be reckless driving and you may be headed for a collision and your heart could get demolished but if it’s worth it, then it’s a chance worth taking and you do something about it because there’s a time you won’t be alive and you won’t be able to get that time back. you might have waited too long so stop waiting – say it, have a revelation about yourself, start your life, take the risk, take hold of your life and do something about it. it’s not too late. so try. i’ll show you..

1.16.13

a night in the woods
9.16.12

like the air that fills my breath,
your being pulls me close, as close
as two can be, with split souls.
there lies a part of me in you, and
a part of you in me. this is why
when i look in your eyes, i can see
forever. i can see home.
i sought the man who would strip me
of my breath, move my heart
from lips to womb. in wooded darkness,
i embraced your tongue with mine;
i found purpose in your existence. fear
sprung from the wishing well but still;
i have not been the same since.
you move, i move.
tried to build a better me to be the
best for you. waited. waited too long;
now you have gone from me. the hands
on the clock stand outstretched to stop me
in my tracks, but the heart holds no timer.
in your absence, i feel your presence.
you move, i move.
for when i gaze at the stars, there is a moment.
where you kissed me and i kissed you.
in time and distance, your absence aches my heart–
how could i live eternally without saying
such fearful words. if the woods were to burn
and the stars did fall, if i were to die-
it could not be before i declare
your existence makes mine beautiful.
my life moves because you live.
i love you. but it is more than this.
i am in love with you, to the deepest extent
of my heart. to the fullest completion of truth.
my, oh my.
it is a sight with no words
to see forever in your eyes.