she confided in me about the one secret that dictated much of her life. prone to traveling destructive paths, she found herself doubting every decision she made and would make. no matter the choice, there were what if’s attached and she began to lose the trust in herself to make the right decisions. she had been dealt some rough hands- so much, to the point that she didn’t know any different. this lack of security in her own life, and lack of trust in herself, and extreme doubt in her ability to see people for who they were and not regret the paths she chose became such a problem, for such a long time – that she often did not even realize what she was doing. she did not realize how much of her life it consumed and destroyed. when a circumstance arised where she could lose someone that meant something to her, a circumstance she wanted in her life- her eyes, mind, heart, and soul became awakened. her insecurites consumed her actions in such a way that she mirrored a poision that she had desperately tried to cure herself of. a bump in the road and a situation unraveled that anchored her in such a way that her mind became the ultimate enemy. she was drowning, from the inside out. the downfall here was that she did not see a person for who and what they truly were. was this because she was that naive or ignorant not to see a person for who they truly are or was this because she wants to believe in the best of people and this desire masked what was real.
after what could be a completely disheartening loss, she opened up and confided in me and this is what she said:
[i am disappointed in myself. people are misleading and i risked something that means a great deal to me for something that means nothing, all to try and figure out how i could be so wrong about an individual. but i have realized that some people are very good at showing you only a portion of themselves and unless you see them constantly, it is impossible to know what they are hiding from you. it does not reflect bad judgment on me nor does it make me a bad person because i wish to see the good in people. how depressing of a life would i lead, if i were to constantly expect to see the worst. it was never about risking one for another because it was never about another. it was about me. it was about doubting myself and not trusting my instincts.. but being wrong, it’s a part of life and just because i’m wrong sometimes, it doesn’t make me less of a person. it makes me human. i was wrong and i let go of that situation without further trying to figure out why. except this time, i let go for good. there is no sense in reopening a situation that causes so much pain, distrust, and disrespect. i was wrong for reopening it once- i will not keep making the same mistakes. i know better. i have something i am not willing to risk and hopefully i have not lost it. the finality of closure is not always easy but there comes a time in your life where it becomes necessary. you end up at a crossroads where you must choose a path and whichever path you choose, is the decision you must stick with. i am at the crossroads where i am staring at the circumstance i’m in – who i am – and the person i was- doing the things i thought i should have been doing. it was a battle between myself – between who i am and who i should be. and i choose who i am. i choose where i am and the person i’m with, if they’ll have me. i never really listened. i crossed a lot of paths and broke a lot of boundaries and that is how i lived my life. i never really realized a lot of things but now i realize them. now i’m not just hearing, i’m listening. if someone you trust with everything tells you, you’re running into a fire – maybe, just maybe, for once – you should listen and run around it. i’m sorry. i finally put the pieces together and i acknowledge i sell myself short. there are a lot of bad people in this world and trying to make your mind figure them out, only makes you make the wrong decisions- sometimes you just have to let it go. sometimes you have to just let everything you’ve ever known go and start with the knowledge you have now. and you have to hope that the person whose trust you betrayed and who you hurt will give you the chance to be the better person they make you want to be. one of the more difficult things to do is to cut the deeply rooted roots of some part of you that you desperately want to change. it is a great blessing to meet someone who can make the change easier and faster. it is not your past who determines who you are – it is not the terrible circumstances you have faced or the people who you gave parts of your life to, who you misjudged – it is the decisions you make now that determines who you are. time passes and circumstances change and with this, people change and there is nothing wrong with that. i do not fear change but i sometimes fear myself. what i mean to say is, i fear that my past has manipulated a part of my life so much that i cannot tell the difference between good and evil – that i am not enough to make a difference. and then i opened my eyes and i saw that what i do does make a difference – maybe not in everyone’s lives but in someone’s. people are not all the same. just because one made you feel one way doesn’t mean another will do the same. just because i was wrong about someone doesn’t mean i need to prove that maybe i wasn’t. i cannot change people. but i can change myself. and every wrong decision i’ve made thusfar has had to do with me – nobody else. i didn’t know how to talk about it but now i do.]
she lived most of her life, for as long as she could remember with such a painful secret to bear. she transformed into this person because of the situations she faced and she did not know how to change it – she did not know how to accept what was, to accept people for who they are, to accept that if something or someone is hurting you, you need to let them go, for good. she did not realize how much of her life – this part of her took over. she did not realize that she was destroying herself by allowing past circumstances to infect her present, and her future. opening up was the most difficult part but she realized that just because she was alone in the past doesn’t mean she had to do it alone now. this problematic arrival of events altered every aspect of her life because it wasn’t what it seemed – it was about self-reflection and learning to trust herself again, regardless if she was wrong sometimes. i have never seen a more altered and beautifully transformed reflection than seen now.
“sometimes things look bad when they’re really not. sometimes there’s another explanation for what’s going on.”
she realized she was only hurting herself by keeping this inside so in but four days, she took the initiative to change so when given the chance to speak, she transfers the truth because no matter how deep or painful it could be, it is the only way not to lose something that matters.