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i see the good in all people. i’d like to believe and be hopeful that all people have good within them. but i accept them for whom they choose to be. i am not a grave digger, unburying the decent, warm hearted person you are – i see it but it is you who must see it. who must uncover it. friends are as thick of a bond as family. friends make mistakes, they drift, they grow into different people, they lead their lives separately but they always make time for one another – they do not discourage, they do not belittle, they do not compete, they do not judge .. their bond is an adventure of unconditional love and unique identity, of relaxation, honesty, and difference. through times of suffering and despair, of difference and distance, of obstacles and pain, i will hold on to you. i will help you back up when you’re ready, i will scream until we lose our voices, i will entertain very bad ideas and then deliver better ones but be there if you find yourself in consequence of your own choices – you have every right to make those, i will sit in silence, sit while you cry, sit while you ramble about things that make no sense to me but complete sense to you. i will remind you who you are when you’ve lost your way and i will embrace who you become. i will be there unconditionally. i will fight for you against all odds. i will be there when no one else is.

but i’m losing my memory now. i can’t fight for who you’ve become. a person prone to misunderstanding me, to belittling my life and the people in it, to thinking you’re better than me because you’re on the road society mapped out for you, because you don’t have the courage to cross boundaries, or say what you’re thinking, or be who you are. a person who tells me why i do things, a person who thinks they have the right to judge me. you can bear that sin alone. you can take your close minded, “realistic,” cold hearted soul and walk down your road of destruction but i will not accompany you. i will be there when you crash but i will not pretend it’s okay. turn your back on me because i’m different than you – because i live my life differently, because time caused you to turn your back because we are at different points. because my heart is not blackened like yours, because my soul is artistic, because my mind sees things in a way you never could because education and realism say it’s not right – say it’s black and white. i feel bad for you. i’m not sorry for my life, for my choices, i am only sorry that you have no idea who i am. that you’re so prone to misunderstanding me that you don’t even know me. years wash away and i can let them go. i will not fight for you. you didn’t have to be my friend but you owed it to me to be a decent human being. you say i’m doing things that “aren’t me,” that i’ve lost my way. but you, you’ve lost sight of who you are. or maybe you’ve always been this person and i just saw good where it wasn’t. i rarely let go of a friend and i’m letting go of you. i no longer see that good in you. this is my goodbye. i’m not sorry.

“lose one friend, lose all friends, lose yourself.”

i may have lost my way but at least i know who i am. do you?

-allison ryder