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chocolate wine. who ever even thought of such a thing. she was never an avid wine drinker, but chocolate wine… well.. that was a different story. the empty wine bottles piled next to the coffee grounds. addiction. she drank each with the intention of never stopping. addicted to the coffee for it’s taste, it’s sweetness, because it soothed her insides. the chocolate wine was for its effects; its numbness and escape from the tragic reality of her own unhappiness.

where did it begin? when did her reflection become unrecognizable. when did she become miserably unhappy, lost, broken, and insecure. some days she wondered if it was as bad as it seemed or if it was her trust issues that led to her own unhappiness. was it the years of emotional abuse that hid underneath i love you’s and will you marry me? when did she become so fearful and fragile; afraid to be forgotten if she’s not with them for just one day. was it the years of giving her heart and being broken and alone in the end? she kind of just got comfortable there. she never minded being alone but she always sought out love. she was desperate for a love that measured up to the love she gave. she found purpose in caring for everyone else, for treating them well with love and thought, for making them happy – it delivered her some happiness. but as she grew, she broke further. soon, she needed someone to take care of her the way she took care of them for all of those years, and she had no one there, able to do that for her. she had no one there capable of such selflessness and she stood disappointed.

at what point did she get so fucked up? could it all truly be emotional distress from so badly wanting certain relationships and consistently getting stuck on one way streets full of manipulations and half ass love. it seemed like everything turned out to be a lie after awhile. after awhile, so many truths would surface and prove all of her “bad feelings,” her intuitive instincts to be true. there were so many lies where she whole heartedly believed in the love she was given. she kept getting dealt such bad hands, she started to believe she deserved them and she would become almost obsessive. it’s like you tell someone they’re a piece of shit so many times, they eventually believe it. could it be PTSD from the tragedy that surrounded her firstborn. she always said she would never be the same after that but her hope was to be numb.. to stop caring so much and to be okay when people chose to leave or to be strong enough to walk away and not deal with the elephant shit she didn’t deserve for years, until it stripped her of everything she had left and then she would leave, when the damage done to her could no longer be repaired, but scarred instead. but could that make her that fucked up?

she took the love of a mother, the trust of a best friend, the support of a sister, and diminished it into ashes because of one act of curiosity and an inappropriate lack of self-control. she crushed the closest person to her for what reason? because in that one moment, it was impossible to foresee what could come from that. it was impossible to know what the next day would bring, if it could sprout something more or what, so why did she do it? why did she take the person she loved more than any boyfriend and break her heart when she never did anything to deserve it. what kind of a person does that? drunk as can be, she made a choice that changed her life, her future, her. was it the liquor? after the years of college drinking to blur out the bad romances and get over the lying cheat of a man she thought she would marry, did she not learn? – her drinking led her into an oblivion. she became a person she did not know. drifted from her good childhood friends and into a world of booze and meaningless hook-up’s. she didn’t learn then how drinking could spiral from a good time into an alcoholic rage. it changes you. it makes you someone you’re not proud of. it proves to be a great time but at a cost. so she drank on that night and she broke someone fragile and beautiful. how could she blame that someone for the ways they chose to painfully repair the pain she caused. she needs a reason. she needs a brain tumor to explain why she could be so horrible. so she spiraled into daytime drinking and unhealthy ways of acting out because she couldn’t go back. she couldn’t forgive herself, she couldn’t look at that person in the eyes and not feel awful for the damage she had done. she reached a limit and found ways to stop, to move forward, to go on living, and find different forms of happiness, unaccepted forms. she found ways to disassociate herself and the situation. she never forgave herself nor was she ever forgiven – she just became detached from it all. and then tragedy struck and everything came back into light, back into question.

at what point did she become so fucked up? was it right to determine her morals and character based on one act, no matter how much hurt she caused? what drove her to the point of unhappiness she was now drowning in and suffocated by. how did she become the person who sat around giving love and taking swings, romanticizing the people she was with into better people than they were, numbing herself in liquor, fighting about everything, defensive with everyone, insecure and distrustful, hurtful, mean. when did she become those last two things because she was forever known as the most loving, inspirational, caring, givign, selfless person cupid and God could ever appoint to earth. how did she become everything she hates? she’s not proud of herself. she’s disappointed and absolutely miserable. she stares at herself in the mirror and cuts the glass into pieces. broken pieces. that’s all that’s left. and a thousand questions as to how she got here and how the fuck does she get to happy when she cannot even recall the last time she was?

those two questions sting her mind. they boggle her brain. what made her so fucked up to commit wrong against another and to hurt people with her actions and words? and how does she get to happy when all she can remember is bad?

{her broken reflection}
by: Allison Ryder