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depression is one of the worst things in life to suffer from. you don’t realize it when people talk about being depressed until you go through it yourself. depression that stems from the death of a loved one magnitudes the pain, the sadness, the heartbreak. grief can be unbearable. it doesn’t just simply affect you, it affects everyone around you. that unhappiness, misery, and sadness is contagious. it spreads like the plague, especially to those you hold the closest – they will get the brunt of it. you tell them to leave because you can’t trust yourself in a time of pain and anger that you never experienced before. you don’t know what to expect. but if they choose to stay and be understanding, you’re hopeful of that. not so much that you expect them to stick around and cure everything you’re going through but if they choose to stay, you’re hopeful that they’ll go through the bad with you and stick around for the good, especially if it’s an intimate partner. it’s difficult to see what you’re doing, the kind of unhappiness you’re deflecting if you’re the one drowning in depression. you don’t see how much it’s affecting them, how miserable you’ve been or how miserable you’ve been making them, how much the smiles and laughter you love to look at and hear turned to fighting. and then one day, they’ll have enough – your grief will become an excuse and they’ll be done, fed up, giving up, wanting out of the intimacy with you. and this will add to the depression – first it will be uncontrollable sadness – you did this. you made them feel this awful way. you made them feel unhappy and miserable while being selfish with your own pain. but how long are we allowed to be selfish and grieve for. three months? then you’ll feel angry because they stayed during the worst of times so why can’t they stay now – why couldn’t they talk with you so you could change. then you’ll make a choice to give it all up or to change, to try and climb out of the depression. the same person who was there, sticking by your side through all the sleepless nights and tears and picking of fights just so you could feel something – to trigger you to cry for the death of your father because you can’t on your own, you’re growing so cold to it all, you’re building a wall up and your bare hands can’t break it down. that same person who finally had enough and couldn’t take the unhappiness anymore – do you let them go and accept that they couldn’t take it anymore, or do you fight like hell for them because they matter – do you fight like hell for yourself to get you out of this depression – to not be this person – to find a way to move on – to let them help you be happy again – instead of bringing them down with you. you have a choice to make, a difficult one. because depression is strong. grief is strong. it puts thoughts in your head. it attaches you forever to the person who is there with you the minute the loss occurs, that person who runs to be by your side, that is your number one person – the person you will go to with every bad and good thing in your life. of course you grieve to them, your comfort level with them is heightened. of course you feel fearful of losing them, more so than ever before. because the love you feel for the one you lost is compared to the pain you felt when you lost them, and to think of losing your number one person in the closest most intimate way you could be with them is tragic. especially to know you ran them into the ground.

 

i lost my father three months ago. i know grief. i know depression. they stick to me like a shadow at my backside. but you stood by me. you freely gave me yourself and your time and did whatever i wanted and whatever i needed to help me get through this tragedy. it was because of you that i got out of bed, that i adventured, that i came out of my comfort zone and took chances, it was because of you that i smiled and that i laughed, it was because you were next to me every night and every morning, that i wanted to keep going. there is no one else i want to fall asleep next to or wake up seeing. the pain, the heartbreak, the anger entered my brain and manipulated my thoughts – trust became a stranger and fear became a friend. i became so fearful of losing you. i fought. i became jealous and insecure. i wasn’t always kind with my words. you listened to my cruel words and they mattered so i hope these words of kindness matter more, because they are not infiltrated by depression and grief. this is me. the me before, the me after, but most of all the me now. you stood by me through the darkest nights and gave me days of lights. you inspired me and motivated me. and while my grief and depression wore so horridly on me, you stuck by me through it, so now i ask you to be with me for all the good. it was a long, hard three months full of misery – for you, i am sure. and i’m sorry you got the brunt of it. but the significance of your presence, my survival, my ability to climb out of this depression on my own to fight for you – to be better, for me, for you, for us – my will to try is because i had you by my side.. at the hospital, at the wake, at the funeral, and every single day afterwards. depression made me into the worst version of myself – a side i wish you never saw, i wish you were never affected by but you being here with me now, is making me into the best version of myself, as i let go of the black shadows that hold me back. i wish you never saw the effects of depression but you did and we cannot take it back now – so can we take it with a grain of salt, can you understand that i was in pain, can you relate, can you forgive. you stayed with me for the worst time of my life – now stay with me for the best, so i can show you what your love and care these last few months can do.

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