did you ever feel your heart break, like literally feel it break in your chest to the point where you swear you could hear it. did you ever feel it break to the point where you feel like you have no oxygen left, you can’t breathe, you’re suffocating, standing in a moving world but you’re completely still, your mind is blank. did you ever feel your heart break to the point that you think it may kill you from the inside out, you may crumble into ashes right then and there. did you ever watch the things keeping you alive, keeping you going, slowly drift away. did you ever feel such a loss, it was killing you inside, that you felt the tears build up every time you got lost in your own thoughts. did you ever feel your heartbreak to the point where you heard it crack and then just broke down..
I’ve been trying to write for months. to pick up a pen and splatter my insides on paper. carve out the loss like its changeable and take away pains’ power. I’ve been trying to cultivate sentences out of ghosts, never realizing the crimson spilling onto the parchment was mine. I was the ghost. when I stopped seeing only the loss, the emptiness moved aside to show what’s been lingering there, it was already written gracefully, just waiting for me to find the pen which would, in turn, reveal myself.
you’re leaving. what am i supposed to say. how i’m different. how you’re different. how you make my days brighter and all the bad seem not so bad. how your face on my screen makes me smile like a kid in a candy store. how i’m going to miss that sarcastic, look at all my mail because you’re nosey, steal my blue candy, there when i’m crying my eyes out, person. you’re leaving. and i’m proud of you. but my smile is missing you already.
i wish i could tell you all the things i have to say but all my words come out tainted because the timing is wrong. it looks like I’m trying to stop a good thing from growing but really i was just lost for so long. i was stuck and afraid and now everything’s faded and i’m stuck with words i can’t say. the timing may say it’s about where you are but it’s about me breaking from where I was.