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the road to recovery. such a mediocre and over used term. if you’re a recovering alcoholic, you’re on the road to recovery. if you’re addicted to drugs, you’re on the road to recovery. if you’re suffering from depression or anxiety, you’re on the road to recovery. if you’re broken hearted, you’re on the road to recovery.
but if you’re grieving, there is no road to recovery. there is no recovery at the end of that hall. if you are grieving the loss of a loved one, that pain is everlasting. it plagues us until our own demise. it is not a circumstance. it is a finality. death is THE circumstance. you do not travel through the steps of grief and one day, be like you were before. you are forever touched by death, by heartache, by regret, by guilt.
the road to recovery, to moving on, and moving forward. it’s a terrible phrase for a memorial. for as long as we are touched by their life, their love, we will be moved by their loss. it becomes a part of us. grief. it’s like the air we breathe. the storm clouds that roll in. it’s constant, though we may not succumb to it constantly. there’s no road. it’s just our life, and learning to co exist with grief. to accept that death exists and what it has taken from us. to be angry with it, to blame it, to fight it, to hate it.
the road to recovery is a pretense. a poor choice of words. how do you recover from the loss of a life you loved more than life. how dare the word recover even be in the midst of anyone’s sentence, when regarding grief and loss and death. i will forever suffer in silence and in deafening screams. i will consider in the weight of my heart for the love and remembrance of the man who gave me life. for my father.
-Allison Ryder