I used to be a hopeless romantic and then I met you and you were the final nail in my coffin. I gave you every ounce of my love – you – who were such an undeserving soul, a twisted, controlling, manipulative source of evil. Sure, you had your moments of light and love but they didn’t last in sincerity for very long. And yet, I loved you with all of me and all that I had and you broke me down – not in a moment, not even in days or weeks but years. I let you destroy me for years and I called it love. I was such a hopeless romantic before you but now I don’t even know if I believe in the idea of love. So much of me was tainted and broken and blackened after I left you. And leaving you was one of the hardest things because I had given so much of myself to you – I didn’t even know who I was without you or if I could survive.
But then I became a mother and I learned of true necessity and of true love. I found my reason for being and my purpose, and with that my focus changed. Letting you go was difficult but for so many reasons, it was right. You were one lie and one block of betrayal after another. You didn’t care who you had to step on to get whatever you wanted in the moment. That was the thing about you – you were impulsive – a ticking time bomb. I don’t know why I thought I could make you lighter – make you love more and be bitter and angry less.
You were a narcotic for me and I never even dabbled in drugs. But you masqueraded as something much more addicting to me – love. You were the death of the romantic in me because I realized how powerful evil and deception were. I realized how blinding the concept of love was. And in you treating me as expendable, I realized how expendable a partner is. You are responsible for killing so many people in your lifetime. You have shed so much blood without remorse.
Only I didn’t die. I was reborn. And I am simply trying to – not forget you but wash away the harm you’ve done. I have become cold and closed off to the idea of love and to its possibilities. I have been stripped of my faith and hope. Except when I look in my child’s eyes. That world was one I removed you from before you could do your damage. My biggest mistake was knowing who you were and believing you could be someone different – someone better – someone nicer- someone with love and loyalty to a person who had loyally loved you. You showed me your cards and the romantic in me thought you were better. Now I sit with someone who cares and I just have a space between us. A wall I built to barricade you out. But it barricades everyone out.
Maybe one day I’ll be in heels over head love and contemplate marriage and truly opening up and spending my life with someone but when I do it will be for the person who surprises me, who buys me cards from my child because they’re too little to, and blue roses just because, who will not just say they love me but show it, who will treat me with respect and thought in front of my child and behind closed doors, and love my child like their own, who will accept and celebrate who I am and my individuality, who will not try to control me or the friends I keep, who will be kind and grateful, who will have a love for life, the way deep down I do.
And that is what keeps the parts you broke from ever truly surfacing. Because I love life whereas you took life for granted. I have all I ever wanted and all I could ever need, just in being a mother alone and I know one day that fairytale love will break down all the walls that the red flags can’t. I love life and I am so grateful for mine. You were a part of my story but you wrote us as a tragedy. I may be a hopeless romantic but I’m no martyr. You’ll have to find another to play your Juliet.
We never had a proper goodbye but that was probably for the best because you always tempted me with poison. You weren’t kind or deserving but it is not my wish to hurt you. Only to receive what you have given; to see like Scrooge, to feel like the unworthy, to hurt like victims. My only wish for you is karma. And that makes me go to bed happy. I am grateful for a second chance at life, without you. Because you were so unworthy. You don’t get to destroy love for me, only all the things love shouldn’t be. Because of you, I have the courage to do it alone and to walk away and to live without ever forgiving you or saying goodbye. I received my closure when I finally let you go. You can rot in hell and I will live in love.