do you not want to?
how easy. how simple. and yet i cowar. what do i want? i don’t know what i want anymore. my right to choose has been sucked from me, much like my soul. i’ve given so much. so much love. so much tears. so much money. so much time. so many years of my life. to so many different people and to some the same, too many times. i broke in hurt and each time, a piece of me broke off and was left behind. i wanted to leave parts of me with each person, all people i’ve touched in some positive way. instead i allowed them to touch me with dirty hands, taint me, hurt me, break me. and now i do not know myself. i feel suffocated and controlled. i feel anger with words of profanity before love. i feel inhabited by a stranger i detest.
i guess i’ve grown tired by unrequited love. i’ve grown tired of the pains that can be controlled. so i’ve controlled a safe distance. i find doubt in myself where there was once trust and clarity. i never struggled with my identity. i always knew who i was and who i wanted to be and now i don’t know. but i know i’d rather my lips fall silent than speak anymore ill words, anymore bursts of profanity, or words of anger and hate. i’d rather fall silent and crawl in a ball and break than be touched by hands i want to walk through life with, who only tear me down.
i don’t want to hear the phone ring tonight or the sound of voices. driving through reflective streetlights and the world is a haze. i am not present. i am simply breathing. i am not happy. i am full of empty holes seeking redemption. i’ve asked other people what they thought more than i’ve made my own choices, seeking approval, seeking forgiveness, seeking completion. but all i’ve done is lose myself in what everyone else thinks and wants and asks of me. my fear is greater than the importance of my desires but now i don’t know who i am. and i fear that more than saying no, more than deciding, more than loss that is not death.
i have not felt this serene in.. well.. i cannot remember. walking outside in the rain, in shorts, with my hair wet. it’s the first time i feel like me. it’s the first time i feel beautiful.
something stopped me tonight. something came over me. something changed. and it washed through every fiber of my being. palpitations disguised as anxiety but i didn’t push it out. i accepted it. i embraced it. i stayed silent and let it run its course through my body. and tonight, for the first time, i smiled and you know what, i was alone. and that is everything.