2019, allison ryder, cancer, change, darkness, dreams, experience, growth, heartbreak, identity, inspiration, life, light, looking back, loss, love, moments, motherhood, new mom, pain, personal, perspective, poetry, publishing, travel, truth, word, work, writing
I have intermittently blogged since an old friend opened me up to the world of WordPress back when I was working with Janson Media to publish my first book of poetry. This was a time where I did not care what anyone had to say; I was going to be a famous writer and I was going to work for a publishing company and publish great works and find even greater writers.
My life didn’t go exactly as planned. Maybe if I had more focus and I wasn’t so easily lost in unrequited loves and distracted by moments. Sure, there’s tons I would do differently. I definitely would’ve double majored; probably in Business, maybe in Teaching (though I never could picture myself in front of a classroom with all eyes on me). I did get a recommendation from a professor who did not hand them out easily to enter the Masters Program but I didn’t want to stay in school, I wanted to begin my life and journey. I was already late in doing so, as I had taken two years off after losing myself in college sorority life and in need of a huge change and in need to re-develop my identity. I would’ve gone into every publishing company I could, seven days a week if necessary, to be noticed. I wouldn’t have ended up discouraged after countless publishing companies rejected me, even at an Administrative level. I had seven years of experience at that point, having started Admin work at 18 years old. I was qualified but invisible.
However, I also collected a worthy amount of moments, both while traveling and homebound. I may not have had gained any publishing experience but I gained life experience. I basked in different cultures, I challenged myself to do things I was afraid of, I pursued photography and poetry. Eventually I gave up working for a publishing company and I just spread my own words on social media platforms. I ended up publishing a second collection of poetry the Winter of 2015.
Come the Spring, my world was turned upside down with the death of my father, who had battled two years of a very aggressive and late stage of esophageal cancer. Writing no longer came as easy as it did. The writer’s block was massive. My light had gone out and I buried the pen the day I buried my father. Since then, the posts have been few and far between.
In the past, times of heartbreak and obstacle would fuel my brain and trigger poems that would astound myself at times but after writing his eulogy and learning what true pain, heartbreak, and regret felt like – I’ve been a corked bottle.
The Fall of 2018 reignited that light when I had my first son. The only thing I wanted more than writing was love and a family. I got the latter. One out of three is phenomenal when I look into my baby’s eyes – I see everything I could ever want.
Having him has inspired me to write again. To contemplate writing a novel and perhaps even getting personal with it. Generally I mask personal in a vivid display of metaphors and make believe.
So this is my “I’m back” piece. Because one day he is going to have dreams and I don’t want anything to stop him from going after them. Because one day he is going to ask me if I went after mine and I want to tell him I did relentlessly. Because I have a son to raise and I want to do it with money made from something I love. Because he is the light of my life and that light gives me something to hold onto, as I uncork years of anger, pain, regret, resentment. He is my saving grace and I know diving into these depths may get dark but now, I’ll always have light in my corner.
- Allison Ryder