I put so much ink on this pen
to translate you to poetry,
but it’s too simple
for too many words;
You were my first love
and I was your collateral damage.
30/30, adulthood, allow, April, cause and effect, connection, curse, damage, drank, freedom, fuck, give, heartache, impact, let go, love, national poetry month, pain, past, poetry, relationship, sorrow, touch, youth
by: Allison Ryder
by 17, i had fought against the world-
destiny stood against me
as my heart bled out for four years,
for someone who i let stab it, leave, and stab it again.
for nine years and every year after,
i let them stay, longer than they should’ve
so my heart could never mend.
so i drank more than i ate,
and i fucked someone else to break the connection,
and i cursed the world for breaking me
when i gave all i had and all i am.
and i sped out the pain and sorrows,
and paid my way to freedom.
by 27, i broke skin to feel alive,
and now, i can’t help but look back
and see how it all ruined me.
never failed to impact the people who touched me,
but that’s not enough anymore.
handed Satan their names-
i don’t entertain deals with the devil.
i’m setting myself free.
you can’t have me.
bad news, bad timing, beauty, chance, choice, compassion, completion, core, damage, destiny, era, heart, identity, knowledge, legacy, life, lost, love, memories, metaphors, past, pieces, recovery, roads, writing
i sit here today and i find myself at the end of an era. i stand, permanently and beautifully changed from who i was but still apart of that person in heart, ambition, and compassion. i find myself sitting here and thinking of what i knew to what i know, of who i was to who i am, of what i wanted to what i have, of what i wished for to what i want now. i see pieces lying around me and i can’t help but look down and smile. there are but few battles i seek all it takes to rise above, there is but few roads i wish to make peace with. i look at these pieces and see reflections of heart filled embraces filled with love, change, and growth, moments of chance and of choice, of blood stained identities, lost roads, and resolutions amongst bitter endings. i stand on a tough road with persistent struggles and yet, absolute clarity. i look at the pieces and i see such a beautiful life behind me. i see the bottom layer of pain and sorrow, of darkness and shadows but the light of them dominates. i got off at the final stop. after the collision of two trains and an uprooted railroad that had every intention of throwing me into a grave to continue belittling my bones, myself – i shattered – into those pieces. the final stop. i feel it, as sure as day will come tomorrow, i feel the change rise within. i feel the evolution.. of who i am. it shakes me at the core. and i can’t help but smile. i’ve lived such a beautiful life so far. but this is a train i’ve never taken before. i look inside and i smile because i see completion. i see who i am. the person i want to be and the person i am have collided when that phonecall rattled my bones, broke my life in half and shattered it to pieces. horrible timing but such a beautiful recovery. i sit here today and i find myself at the end of an era, and the beginning of my life.