Tags
allison ryder, cancer, death, difficulty, dying, father, fuck cancer, heartbreak, impact, life, love, pain, patient, understanding, writer, writing
this is the kind of pain that is impossible to fathom unless you’ve been in this exact situation. it’s not like mourning a simple heartbreak and end of a relationship, it’s the mourning of a finality. it’s the kind of pain that tears you up from the inside out and if it doesn’t kill you, it will change you. mark my words, it will do one of the two. and it’s hard for an outsider to understand why you only want to be around certain people, why you don’t want to make plans with them, why you’re angry all the time, why you don’t want to go out, why you’re antisocial, why you lose interest in the things you used to love to do. it’s impossible to imagine watching the person you love the most in pain, struggling, suffering, and dying. hard doesn’t begin to explain. and you don’t want to lose people or push them too far away, as you introvert and try to deal with this incomprehensible situation, so you lose pieces of yourself trying to explain your choices, what you’re going through, and why you’re doing things the way you are. but the truth is, they’re too stubborn to listen because the pain you’re feeling, it’s not real to them. they have no idea what it’s like and until you’re on the floor, crying until you can’t breathe, making yourself sick, begging God that it be you that goes instead, in front of their eyes, do they realize the extent of the damage and how small their argument is in retrospect. so you stop explaining and you detach and you isolate and you love the patient people who are there, and leave the rest to mourn the loss of you. because when they were thinking about what they want, you were trying desperately not to bury your father.
