if you are inclined to think the worst of me, you will never truly know me nor will I ever fully show you my heart, because if you cage your thoughts so tightly, in such high regard, with no room for a truth that is different than your own or for possibility or to listen when I breathe, then this will not change me. it shows your beast, not mine. if you are inclined think the worst of me, then you will never know me, you will only have your thoughts, always intangible- for never true.
animals, cause, change, citizens, courage, equality, fight, government, guilty, innocent, law, law enforcement, life, listen, martin luther king jr, murder, neutral, people, perspective, poetry, reason, two sides, unjust, voice
this isn’t an opinion and it’s not going to go in the direction you think. this is a reaction, this is both perspectives, this is the reflection of two sides of a two sided story. this is even ground. this is the voice of reason.
rifles on the home front;
race against race, fist against fist.
conspiracy changes individuals to conformity.
conform to government
ways, around being blind to blood on their sleeves.
grenades blow the stop sign-
street lights directed by the national guard.
paid by the government, they spill blood.
controlled by the government, they burn bones-
history remakes itself. tainted
graves, no lessons learned.
the plot puts person against person.
betrayal fuels defensive mechanisms to kick in;
turn people into colors,
verdicts into racist acts,
government verses people.
derived from racism, comes reactions-
fatal chaos erupts in shattered glass and open fire.
now who’s wrong?
provoked and pushed-
the creation of a movement,
intentions righteous, execution wrong.
martin luther king jr?
violence strays you from him.
warrior of peace and equality,
insusceptible to accusations and hatred-
he did not create destruction and spill blood
as the cost of what he sought.
he moved with peaceful actions and words-
these victorious movements proved loyal
followers who fought.
citizens stampede the streets, claiming
executions are allowed, claiming the government
officials surround the streets – streets turned
into a battlefield, a graveyard- now who’s safe?
officials armed, citizens rage like wild animals.
officials claim their right to defend, to protect,
to shoot if threatened. wouldn’t you?
who to believe?
we overcome by making a peaceful movement,
by trying for change,
by uncovering an unjust system.
we succumb to the powerful
by acting as we see them act,
by becoming what we hate, the very thing we’re against,
by expecting wounds to heal by the shed of more blood,
by allowing the act of one man determine the character
of every other man in uniform.
of every other black or white.
evidence lies. people lie.
where does the truth lie?
the rift between the powerful and the silent,
the protectors and the makers, the guilty and the innocent,
the suited and the dirty, the controlled and the free-
did not start here,
but the sins of all are exposed here.
shock does not shake my bones
when killers are set free,
when the law becomes the power to act
as the grim reaper, to change the law unjustly-
not this time – all times.
when citizens are killed in cold blood,
when cops are killed in cold blood,
when a nation rises in that same violent outrage
with the blood of innocents in their eyes
and commit the same crimes.
you yield for those like you,
for those in suits, for those with a badge,
for those in power,
not for the innocence of the crime-
and who is wrong and who is right
is not where people stand now.
they rise against a broken system and seek change.
non-violent citizens who are not setting cars ablaze,
beating skin until it bleeds, stealing bottles of
raging adrenaline from broken glass-
non-violent citizens are standing for a cause
they’re not rioting, they’re rallying.
right or wrong, it’s NOT black or white.
there’s your message in a bottle-
the doorway for change was opened,
and now it will be known.
ALL lives matter.
martin luther king jr. was feared,
deemed the most dangerous man
because his peace was effective, he was heard and listened to,
his change was accepted and respected.
gray will rise; fill the sky with clouds and
the streets with smoke.
gray will rise and stand for people.
skeletons turn over in their graves-
united we stand?
then you better start listening.
ramble. ramble. ramble.
do I sound crazy?
“no, you sound human.”
smile. and that’s how it begins.
when your troubles are significant. when they matter. when they can be complete complaining chaos but it’s okay because we must release the bottled up bad, as much as the excitement. when someone listens, not because they have to but because they want. because they feel. because they can relate. because they know that sometimes you just need someone there.
30/30, advice, April, better, burned, change, choices made, circumstance, destiny, discouragement, failure, fear, growth, listen, opinions, passion, people, poetry, pursuit, relationships, roads traveled, stubborn, untitled
by allison ryder
strayed away from the road
i was, perhaps, destined for
long ago. listened to some discouragement
in the passions i pursued.
perhaps, it was not due to belief that i
was not good enough, but because of fear,
never accepted opinions, judgments,
or advice on other passions though.
i drove into these,
as if they were open flames. as if
i could not be burned. as if i could
pierce the world like lightning
but this lightning could not strike me.
as if i could not be killed. i have always
continued in my ways. fear not being an option,
comes with time, growth, circumstance.
broken bad habits was an effect
of people who were the cause.
people who made change easier.
for i wanted to be the best i could be.
I’m where I’m supposed to be. ideal situation or not. I haven’t gotten it all figured it out. a lot of people would judge me and my decisions but you know what I don’t really care. I have someone I trust, someone I care for, someone who I listen to and really hear them. I have someone who has made my life better, who has made me better. it’s not black and white, it’s never black and white. it’s never ideal but you know what, it’s real. and at the end of the day life is about moments. it’s about sharing moments with the people you care about, who care about you, who bring something to your life. at the end of the day, it’s about being happy. it’s about not letting those moments where you’re alone fill you with anything but happiness because you are leading a full life. it’s never gonna be the way you pictured life to go but it’s going to be the greatest adventure you could’ve been apart of. and it makes all the difference who you’re sharing that adventure with. at the end of the day, it’s you against the world so you be with the person who makes you happy – no matter what anyone thinks or says or believes. it’s not about them; their life is about them. this life is mine and I am claiming it. my relationship is mine. and cold nights feel a bit warmer, mornings feel a bit better, days feel worth it because of the people who I spend my time with. late at night I lay with thoughts of you and I think how much fuller my life has become since you became apart of it. the time I spend preparing to see you are days I look forward to something great for this adventure brings me into an unknown realm. you are walking beside me into the new chapter of my life where I become me. and scary as it can be, it feels right. and that is the true rarity. for something with someone to feel right without question, judgment, doubt, worry, or insecurity. because the world injects so much of these things in the cracks of our being, into the empty voids. but you are my escape from all things for you and I surpass time – we are epic – we are immortal – we are real in an unreal place.
actions, change, choices, decisions, definition, destructive, dictate, evil, good, heartache, impact, importance, insecurities, life, listen, mind, own worst enemy, paths, reflection, relationships, risk, self-destruction, trust, willing to, wrong
she confided in me about the one secret that dictated much of her life. prone to traveling destructive paths, she found herself doubting every decision she made and would make. no matter the choice, there were what if’s attached and she began to lose the trust in herself to make the right decisions. she had been dealt some rough hands- so much, to the point that she didn’t know any different. this lack of security in her own life, and lack of trust in herself, and extreme doubt in her ability to see people for who they were and not regret the paths she chose became such a problem, for such a long time – that she often did not even realize what she was doing. she did not realize how much of her life it consumed and destroyed. when a circumstance arised where she could lose someone that meant something to her, a circumstance she wanted in her life- her eyes, mind, heart, and soul became awakened. her insecurites consumed her actions in such a way that she mirrored a poision that she had desperately tried to cure herself of. a bump in the road and a situation unraveled that anchored her in such a way that her mind became the ultimate enemy. she was drowning, from the inside out. the downfall here was that she did not see a person for who and what they truly were. was this because she was that naive or ignorant not to see a person for who they truly are or was this because she wants to believe in the best of people and this desire masked what was real.
after what could be a completely disheartening loss, she opened up and confided in me and this is what she said:
[i am disappointed in myself. people are misleading and i risked something that means a great deal to me for something that means nothing, all to try and figure out how i could be so wrong about an individual. but i have realized that some people are very good at showing you only a portion of themselves and unless you see them constantly, it is impossible to know what they are hiding from you. it does not reflect bad judgment on me nor does it make me a bad person because i wish to see the good in people. how depressing of a life would i lead, if i were to constantly expect to see the worst. it was never about risking one for another because it was never about another. it was about me. it was about doubting myself and not trusting my instincts.. but being wrong, it’s a part of life and just because i’m wrong sometimes, it doesn’t make me less of a person. it makes me human. i was wrong and i let go of that situation without further trying to figure out why. except this time, i let go for good. there is no sense in reopening a situation that causes so much pain, distrust, and disrespect. i was wrong for reopening it once- i will not keep making the same mistakes. i know better. i have something i am not willing to risk and hopefully i have not lost it. the finality of closure is not always easy but there comes a time in your life where it becomes necessary. you end up at a crossroads where you must choose a path and whichever path you choose, is the decision you must stick with. i am at the crossroads where i am staring at the circumstance i’m in – who i am – and the person i was- doing the things i thought i should have been doing. it was a battle between myself – between who i am and who i should be. and i choose who i am. i choose where i am and the person i’m with, if they’ll have me. i never really listened. i crossed a lot of paths and broke a lot of boundaries and that is how i lived my life. i never really realized a lot of things but now i realize them. now i’m not just hearing, i’m listening. if someone you trust with everything tells you, you’re running into a fire – maybe, just maybe, for once – you should listen and run around it. i’m sorry. i finally put the pieces together and i acknowledge i sell myself short. there are a lot of bad people in this world and trying to make your mind figure them out, only makes you make the wrong decisions- sometimes you just have to let it go. sometimes you have to just let everything you’ve ever known go and start with the knowledge you have now. and you have to hope that the person whose trust you betrayed and who you hurt will give you the chance to be the better person they make you want to be. one of the more difficult things to do is to cut the deeply rooted roots of some part of you that you desperately want to change. it is a great blessing to meet someone who can make the change easier and faster. it is not your past who determines who you are – it is not the terrible circumstances you have faced or the people who you gave parts of your life to, who you misjudged – it is the decisions you make now that determines who you are. time passes and circumstances change and with this, people change and there is nothing wrong with that. i do not fear change but i sometimes fear myself. what i mean to say is, i fear that my past has manipulated a part of my life so much that i cannot tell the difference between good and evil – that i am not enough to make a difference. and then i opened my eyes and i saw that what i do does make a difference – maybe not in everyone’s lives but in someone’s. people are not all the same. just because one made you feel one way doesn’t mean another will do the same. just because i was wrong about someone doesn’t mean i need to prove that maybe i wasn’t. i cannot change people. but i can change myself. and every wrong decision i’ve made thusfar has had to do with me – nobody else. i didn’t know how to talk about it but now i do.]
she lived most of her life, for as long as she could remember with such a painful secret to bear. she transformed into this person because of the situations she faced and she did not know how to change it – she did not know how to accept what was, to accept people for who they are, to accept that if something or someone is hurting you, you need to let them go, for good. she did not realize how much of her life – this part of her took over. she did not realize that she was destroying herself by allowing past circumstances to infect her present, and her future. opening up was the most difficult part but she realized that just because she was alone in the past doesn’t mean she had to do it alone now. this problematic arrival of events altered every aspect of her life because it wasn’t what it seemed – it was about self-reflection and learning to trust herself again, regardless if she was wrong sometimes. i have never seen a more altered and beautifully transformed reflection than seen now.
“sometimes things look bad when they’re really not. sometimes there’s another explanation for what’s going on.”
she realized she was only hurting herself by keeping this inside so in but four days, she took the initiative to change so when given the chance to speak, she transfers the truth because no matter how deep or painful it could be, it is the only way not to lose something that matters.
i steadily watch people sabotage their relationships. from personal experience to watching friends and their numerous encounters; the bad is so easy to expect and the good is difficult to accept. how destructive is it that we cannot believe in a good thing when it is right in front of us because we are used to such cruel motives and ill hearts. we will be our own worst enemies if we allow such a ridiculous mindset to overcome our better knowledge… we will chase away everyone we care for, we will push away everyone we want close, we will never trust and never be trusted because this mindset will ultimately dictate our actions. to change this is simple:
want to change.
accept the good for what it is, when it’s right in front of you.
block everyone else out. no one else matters.
respect the relationship you’re in.
you were wrong? you made mistakes? a lot of them? ok. fix them. you’re not the worst thing you’ve ever done and you’re not your mistakes so prove it. only you can show who you truly are.
there are no what if’s, there’s only right now.
don’t expect things to go wrong just because they have in the past.
you’re your own worst enemy. STOP.
take a breather. everyone gets intense but recognize you’re doing it and control it.
work on your own life because a lot of times, these destructive thoughts enter your mind when something in your life is going downhill or you have far too much time on your hands.
let the person you’re with- in. trust them. if you can’t, then what are you doing. you have to give people the chance to be there for you.
don’t ever lie to the person you’re with. if you feel like you need to, then you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing.
the things you expect from the person you’re with are things you should first expect from yourself.
if you’re happy in the moment then just be happy. there’s no reason for stress or drama – life has enough of that in every other aspect.
listen. we all hear each other but we rarely listen. we have to listen if we are to make things work.