I only became a storm, to try to extinguish your flames.
you set my world on fire in a way that exploded mediocracy. in such a way that burned every inch of me to pieces in your departure. I’ve never known a love that took parts of me with it once it was gone, parts scorched with no chance of recovery.
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we sat for awhile and pondered the wreckage of the soul. we dove into the broken hearted and what makes us make the tedious decisions leading into failure and pain. we reflected on how we got to the position we now stood, surrounded by lust and yet feeling alone, trying to block out the noise and running into abandonment to avoid commitment. it’s a slippery slope, the road of broken hearts, once you go down, it’s difficult to trust the hands trying to get you back up.
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Visit my storefront today to purchase your copy of my second published collection of poetry. As fantasy clashes with reality, this book takes you on an intricate and emotional rollercoaster of love and tragedy, lust and heartbreak, with subject matter all ages can relate to.
do you not want to?
how easy. how simple. and yet i cowar. what do i want? i don’t know what i want anymore. my right to choose has been sucked from me, much like my soul. i’ve given so much. so much love. so much tears. so much money. so much time. so many years of my life. to so many different people and to some the same, too many times. i broke in hurt and each time, a piece of me broke off and was left behind. i wanted to leave parts of me with each person, all people i’ve touched in some positive way. instead i allowed them to touch me with dirty hands, taint me, hurt me, break me. and now i do not know myself. i feel suffocated and controlled. i feel anger with words of profanity before love. i feel inhabited by a stranger i detest.
i guess i’ve grown tired by unrequited love. i’ve grown tired of the pains that can be controlled. so i’ve controlled a safe distance. i find doubt in myself where there was once trust and clarity. i never struggled with my identity. i always knew who i was and who i wanted to be and now i don’t know. but i know i’d rather my lips fall silent than speak anymore ill words, anymore bursts of profanity, or words of anger and hate. i’d rather fall silent and crawl in a ball and break than be touched by hands i want to walk through life with, who only tear me down.
i don’t want to hear the phone ring tonight or the sound of voices. driving through reflective streetlights and the world is a haze. i am not present. i am simply breathing. i am not happy. i am full of empty holes seeking redemption. i’ve asked other people what they thought more than i’ve made my own choices, seeking approval, seeking forgiveness, seeking completion. but all i’ve done is lose myself in what everyone else thinks and wants and asks of me. my fear is greater than the importance of my desires but now i don’t know who i am. and i fear that more than saying no, more than deciding, more than loss that is not death.
i have not felt this serene in.. well.. i cannot remember. walking outside in the rain, in shorts, with my hair wet. it’s the first time i feel like me. it’s the first time i feel beautiful.
something stopped me tonight. something came over me. something changed. and it washed through every fiber of my being. palpitations disguised as anxiety but i didn’t push it out. i accepted it. i embraced it. i stayed silent and let it run its course through my body. and tonight, for the first time, i smiled and you know what, i was alone. and that is everything.
the road to recovery. such a mediocre and over used term. if you’re a recovering alcoholic, you’re on the road to recovery. if you’re addicted to drugs, you’re on the road to recovery. if you’re suffering from depression or anxiety, you’re on the road to recovery. if you’re broken hearted, you’re on the road to recovery.
but if you’re grieving, there is no road to recovery. there is no recovery at the end of that hall. if you are grieving the loss of a loved one, that pain is everlasting. it plagues us until our own demise. it is not a circumstance. it is a finality. death is THE circumstance. you do not travel through the steps of grief and one day, be like you were before. you are forever touched by death, by heartache, by regret, by guilt.
the road to recovery, to moving on, and moving forward. it’s a terrible phrase for a memorial. for as long as we are touched by their life, their love, we will be moved by their loss. it becomes a part of us. grief. it’s like the air we breathe. the storm clouds that roll in. it’s constant, though we may not succumb to it constantly. there’s no road. it’s just our life, and learning to co exist with grief. to accept that death exists and what it has taken from us. to be angry with it, to blame it, to fight it, to hate it.
the road to recovery is a pretense. a poor choice of words. how do you recover from the loss of a life you loved more than life. how dare the word recover even be in the midst of anyone’s sentence, when regarding grief and loss and death. i will forever suffer in silence and in deafening screams. i will consider in the weight of my heart for the love and remembrance of the man who gave me life. for my father.
i hate you.
that was the part
you weren’t getting.
it wasn’t just anger
or pure sadness.
i began to hate you with
the parts of me that
used to love you.
you spread your lips for kisses
that did not belong to me,
and i asked so i could hate you.
so i could rip you from me.
i only needed half a heart to breathe.
did you ever feel your heart break, like literally feel it break in your chest to the point where you swear you could hear it. did you ever feel it break to the point where you feel like you have no oxygen left, you can’t breathe, you’re suffocating, standing in a moving world but you’re completely still, your mind is blank. did you ever feel your heart break to the point that you think it may kill you from the inside out, you may crumble into ashes right then and there. did you ever watch the things keeping you alive, keeping you going, slowly drift away. did you ever feel such a loss, it was killing you inside, that you felt the tears build up every time you got lost in your own thoughts. did you ever feel your heartbreak to the point where you heard it crack and then just broke down..
I’ve been trying to write for months. to pick up a pen and splatter my insides on paper. carve out the loss like its changeable and take away pains’ power. I’ve been trying to cultivate sentences out of ghosts, never realizing the crimson spilling onto the parchment was mine. I was the ghost. when I stopped seeing only the loss, the emptiness moved aside to show what’s been lingering there, it was already written gracefully, just waiting for me to find the pen which would, in turn, reveal myself.
depression is one of the worst things in life to suffer from. you don’t realize it when people talk about being depressed until you go through it yourself. depression that stems from the death of a loved one magnitudes the pain, the sadness, the heartbreak. grief can be unbearable. it doesn’t just simply affect you, it affects everyone around you. that unhappiness, misery, and sadness is contagious. it spreads like the plague, especially to those you hold the closest – they will get the brunt of it. you tell them to leave because you can’t trust yourself in a time of pain and anger that you never experienced before. you don’t know what to expect. but if they choose to stay and be understanding, you’re hopeful of that. not so much that you expect them to stick around and cure everything you’re going through but if they choose to stay, you’re hopeful that they’ll go through the bad with you and stick around for the good, especially if it’s an intimate partner. it’s difficult to see what you’re doing, the kind of unhappiness you’re deflecting if you’re the one drowning in depression. you don’t see how much it’s affecting them, how miserable you’ve been or how miserable you’ve been making them, how much the smiles and laughter you love to look at and hear turned to fighting. and then one day, they’ll have enough – your grief will become an excuse and they’ll be done, fed up, giving up, wanting out of the intimacy with you. and this will add to the depression – first it will be uncontrollable sadness – you did this. you made them feel this awful way. you made them feel unhappy and miserable while being selfish with your own pain. but how long are we allowed to be selfish and grieve for. three months? then you’ll feel angry because they stayed during the worst of times so why can’t they stay now – why couldn’t they talk with you so you could change. then you’ll make a choice to give it all up or to change, to try and climb out of the depression. the same person who was there, sticking by your side through all the sleepless nights and tears and picking of fights just so you could feel something – to trigger you to cry for the death of your father because you can’t on your own, you’re growing so cold to it all, you’re building a wall up and your bare hands can’t break it down. that same person who finally had enough and couldn’t take the unhappiness anymore – do you let them go and accept that they couldn’t take it anymore, or do you fight like hell for them because they matter – do you fight like hell for yourself to get you out of this depression – to not be this person – to find a way to move on – to let them help you be happy again – instead of bringing them down with you. you have a choice to make, a difficult one. because depression is strong. grief is strong. it puts thoughts in your head. it attaches you forever to the person who is there with you the minute the loss occurs, that person who runs to be by your side, that is your number one person – the person you will go to with every bad and good thing in your life. of course you grieve to them, your comfort level with them is heightened. of course you feel fearful of losing them, more so than ever before. because the love you feel for the one you lost is compared to the pain you felt when you lost them, and to think of losing your number one person in the closest most intimate way you could be with them is tragic. especially to know you ran them into the ground.
i lost my father three months ago. i know grief. i know depression. they stick to me like a shadow at my backside. but you stood by me. you freely gave me yourself and your time and did whatever i wanted and whatever i needed to help me get through this tragedy. it was because of you that i got out of bed, that i adventured, that i came out of my comfort zone and took chances, it was because of you that i smiled and that i laughed, it was because you were next to me every night and every morning, that i wanted to keep going. there is no one else i want to fall asleep next to or wake up seeing. the pain, the heartbreak, the anger entered my brain and manipulated my thoughts – trust became a stranger and fear became a friend. i became so fearful of losing you. i fought. i became jealous and insecure. i wasn’t always kind with my words. you listened to my cruel words and they mattered so i hope these words of kindness matter more, because they are not infiltrated by depression and grief. this is me. the me before, the me after, but most of all the me now. you stood by me through the darkest nights and gave me days of lights. you inspired me and motivated me. and while my grief and depression wore so horridly on me, you stuck by me through it, so now i ask you to be with me for all the good. it was a long, hard three months full of misery – for you, i am sure. and i’m sorry you got the brunt of it. but the significance of your presence, my survival, my ability to climb out of this depression on my own to fight for you – to be better, for me, for you, for us – my will to try is because i had you by my side.. at the hospital, at the wake, at the funeral, and every single day afterwards. depression made me into the worst version of myself – a side i wish you never saw, i wish you were never affected by but you being here with me now, is making me into the best version of myself, as i let go of the black shadows that hold me back. i wish you never saw the effects of depression but you did and we cannot take it back now – so can we take it with a grain of salt, can you understand that i was in pain, can you relate, can you forgive. you stayed with me for the worst time of my life – now stay with me for the best, so i can show you what your love and care these last few months can do.