I know this is the kind of thing you’re not supposed to keep from the people who care about you, from the people you care about. This is when they’re supposed to lend you their strength, and their love, and their support. They would probably see it as lying to them when you see it as living. You look back and you see people who were real with their feelings, not people who felt pity for the adversity that has been thrust upon you. They don’t allow their tongues to hold back their feelings and you hold no censor in return. They act on impulse and they’re honest. Once those venomous words leave your lips, there’s no guarantee they’ll still be who they are with you. There’s no guarantee they’ll stay. Fear is what is created by this most. Fear. Not of death but of losing and being without the people who give you life. I have studied people my entire life and the strangest thing about them is that the hardest obstacle is giving and accepting love. This loss of control of your life opens you up to love more powerful than you have ever known and when you give it, it’s felt – it is felt in hello. This is a twisted road with an unclear ending but what is clear is that I want to live it. It’s like a poison inside of you that no one can see but you can feel it. With every step and every decision you make, you can feel it. You know when it’s getting worse, when it’s taking its toll on your body. You learn to accept death. You know you’re not going to have the life you dreamed of once. You’re not going to have the life you planned for. The thing about this is it changes everything about you – it changes your perspective and your vision but most of all, it changes your heart. You value even the smallest of gestures. You fight for the people who mean something to you because we only walk out of life with a few who have always had our best interest in their hearts, who have stood by our sides and cared unconditionally, who have taught us something and brought out the best in us. But the thing about an untold poison is how you can be misunderstood because without knowing such an illness, it is impossible to know such an appreciation and love for life. I’m not unrealistic because I have dreams – I’m smart and ambitious because I believe in them and I work for them and I would rather have a thousand dog days, poor and struggling, and fight for something I love, something I was born to do, than be unhappy, settling in something I despise. I’m not intense, I’m just a real person who isn’t going to waste my time lying or hiding a part of me to make someone else comfortable, who’s going to appreciate and value the people who make me smile a little longer, who make me want to fight a little longer, who make me want to live. I’m not in love with everything and everyone I meet, I’m just a romantic. I’m appreciative of people and I’m thoughtful and I treat people with good thoughts, the way I would want to be treated. When death presents itself to you, it either takes you down, buries you in blood and fear and regret or it builds you up and it makes you fight. You fight for the people and the things that matter to you. You stop fighting with people and you start fighting for your life. You take chances and start pursuing the things on that list – that never-ending list of travels and hobbies and passions. You start knocking them down because you want a full life. And there may be a poison inside of you, trying to take that from you but it can’t because you were born to rise above it. I’m sorry I kept this from you for so long. For someone who is so honest and so compassionate and so understanding – it is not that I had no trust in you doing the same – I just was so afraid to lose who means the most to me. If it is any constellation, I lived and fought and loved because of each of you. Because in each your own ways, you made my life better and you made me a better person. You helped me grow and experience things with courage and effort. You pushed me to become who I was meant to become, to be different and weird. I live with a passionate drive of value and sentiment. I keep it all locked inside because that is where it should be. It shouldn’t be running my life, it should be just a part of me that I’m surviving. What I want from you is for you to be you, for you to be here because you want to be here, for you to care for me and to love me for who I am, for the life I live, not for the death I die.
start of something new
by: allison ryder
fear of moving too fast,
don’t want to scare you away.
fear of being misunderstood
but honesty flows, in your presence.
fear of pushing too far,
as romance leaks from my heart.
fear. fear. fear.
but I’m not afraid of the dark.
I can’t see the end of this
but I’ve found intrigue in your kiss.
it pulled me in, made me
want to know more. I want to know you.
but I’m willing to take the chance
before knowing for sure.
I don’t need invention, imagination,
when I’m standing here with you.
prone to over-thinking,
I don’t want to over-think anymore.
driven by emotion, let’s see
where this can go.
our roads were broken in the past
but we’ve made it to a new horizon,
amazing, I think
we’re creating something that will last.
call me crazy but I’ve always
felt this pull from you.
and if we give this thing some time,
it can be everything we’ve searched for-
the start of something new.