dear lover, she wrote,
i guess you can’t live like it’s now or never, we live for today but to say all you can say incase you don’t get another chance, see someone as much as possible incase tomorrow never comes, abundant fear that it will end before it starts. fearful overthinking that you’re not enough and doubtful insecurity that you’ll be forgotten or replaced without constant communication take over, as you realize why your good intentions got buried and altered into chaos. it’s one thing to know as a non-negotiable fact that you’re going to die so you do all you can in every moment. but with matters of the heart, it’s difficult to do – most people cannot jump right into the abyss of uncertainty, it takes time. but i guess when you watch someone dying for the first time and then finally open up to another, you want to dive in not to lose it but it becomes hectic, smothering, overbearing, annoying emotion, and the love and care become buried under the crap. you can live like it’s now or never when you’re taking a chance but you can’t live like there’s no tomorrow consistently and you can’t love like that. all you can do is open your heart and like and love and care with all you’ve got, and have trust and faith. sometimes you have to look out at the ocean, the city lights, the structures far bigger than you and figure it all out – control the chaos in your mind. loss changes you. but just because you lost someone doesn’t mean you live to prepare for loss. you take it day by day, and always be hopeful of another sunrise.