adrenaline, allison ryder, anger, author, chance, change, comfort, darkness, destiny, embrace, fate, friendships, growth, intimacy, judgment, night, outlet, passion, poetry, prose, published, quotes, relationships, risk, roads collide, rock, tragedy, vice, world, worth it, writing
she was something with that cigarette hanging out of her mouth, parting her lips, tasting her tongue. there was something careless and reckless about how she inhaled that smoke, and something confident and sexy about the breaths she took to exhale. it was just one of those things; dangerous and deadly but once i got a taste, now i find myself addicted.
I’ve learned not to think there could be better when I’m content with what’s in front of me & I believe in it to be the best. too many people wonder if there’s better and end up sacrificing the best.
by: allison ryder
i will make sure i never die;
not in the physicality, not in the decay
of my flesh and bones-
but in my memory, my heart, my legacy.
i will leave behind something extraordinary,
so i will never die. i will alter
all those i encounter with such a transformation,
their life is better and touched by my soul.
truth will come like daggers from my lips;
i will never lie, never leave with silence.
i will move the boulders trying to crush me,
from within my mind. i will move mountains and never stop,
until i change the world.
i will instill inspiration in dark corners,
encourage risk, trust, love.
oh love, how it causes amnesia of all worries, of all struggles,
and blissfully connects our lives with another-
whom we will share storms and sunsets with.
oh how it rips us open and leaves us for dead,
with no desire to feel such a way again.
but we will. we must.
i will be remembered for how i love.
i will never stop.
i will never truly be gone
because my legacy’s going to keep me alive some day.
sight beyond the flaws
by allison ryder
one cold december night, we planted a seed.
tucked it away in the snow.
countless hours passed with one motive,
to get to know,
everything there was about the other.
it was in one instant, like the time
it takes for a car to crash-
we went up in flames. lives rearranged.
time passed without words
but you never left my mind.
soon a kiss emerged, a kiss
that could not leave thoughts behind.
now we sit on the verge of the unknown.
one, unaware of how to take it slow;
for so much time has passed,
many wrong turns and dead ends,
now I want to take the chance.
I want to know.
let it begin before it ends.
there, a petal lies on the snow.
the seed froze in my flaws
but thawed in my transformation.
it’s amazing how the practice of
time and patience,
can allow the two of us to grow.
start of something new
by: allison ryder
fear of moving too fast,
don’t want to scare you away.
fear of being misunderstood
but honesty flows, in your presence.
fear of pushing too far,
as romance leaks from my heart.
fear. fear. fear.
but I’m not afraid of the dark.
I can’t see the end of this
but I’ve found intrigue in your kiss.
it pulled me in, made me
want to know more. I want to know you.
but I’m willing to take the chance
before knowing for sure.
I don’t need invention, imagination,
when I’m standing here with you.
prone to over-thinking,
I don’t want to over-think anymore.
driven by emotion, let’s see
where this can go.
our roads were broken in the past
but we’ve made it to a new horizon,
amazing, I think
we’re creating something that will last.
call me crazy but I’ve always
felt this pull from you.
and if we give this thing some time,
it can be everything we’ve searched for-
the start of something new.
actions, change, choices, decisions, definition, destructive, dictate, evil, good, heartache, impact, importance, insecurities, life, listen, mind, own worst enemy, paths, reflection, relationships, risk, self-destruction, trust, willing to, wrong
she confided in me about the one secret that dictated much of her life. prone to traveling destructive paths, she found herself doubting every decision she made and would make. no matter the choice, there were what if’s attached and she began to lose the trust in herself to make the right decisions. she had been dealt some rough hands- so much, to the point that she didn’t know any different. this lack of security in her own life, and lack of trust in herself, and extreme doubt in her ability to see people for who they were and not regret the paths she chose became such a problem, for such a long time – that she often did not even realize what she was doing. she did not realize how much of her life it consumed and destroyed. when a circumstance arised where she could lose someone that meant something to her, a circumstance she wanted in her life- her eyes, mind, heart, and soul became awakened. her insecurites consumed her actions in such a way that she mirrored a poision that she had desperately tried to cure herself of. a bump in the road and a situation unraveled that anchored her in such a way that her mind became the ultimate enemy. she was drowning, from the inside out. the downfall here was that she did not see a person for who and what they truly were. was this because she was that naive or ignorant not to see a person for who they truly are or was this because she wants to believe in the best of people and this desire masked what was real.
after what could be a completely disheartening loss, she opened up and confided in me and this is what she said:
[i am disappointed in myself. people are misleading and i risked something that means a great deal to me for something that means nothing, all to try and figure out how i could be so wrong about an individual. but i have realized that some people are very good at showing you only a portion of themselves and unless you see them constantly, it is impossible to know what they are hiding from you. it does not reflect bad judgment on me nor does it make me a bad person because i wish to see the good in people. how depressing of a life would i lead, if i were to constantly expect to see the worst. it was never about risking one for another because it was never about another. it was about me. it was about doubting myself and not trusting my instincts.. but being wrong, it’s a part of life and just because i’m wrong sometimes, it doesn’t make me less of a person. it makes me human. i was wrong and i let go of that situation without further trying to figure out why. except this time, i let go for good. there is no sense in reopening a situation that causes so much pain, distrust, and disrespect. i was wrong for reopening it once- i will not keep making the same mistakes. i know better. i have something i am not willing to risk and hopefully i have not lost it. the finality of closure is not always easy but there comes a time in your life where it becomes necessary. you end up at a crossroads where you must choose a path and whichever path you choose, is the decision you must stick with. i am at the crossroads where i am staring at the circumstance i’m in – who i am – and the person i was- doing the things i thought i should have been doing. it was a battle between myself – between who i am and who i should be. and i choose who i am. i choose where i am and the person i’m with, if they’ll have me. i never really listened. i crossed a lot of paths and broke a lot of boundaries and that is how i lived my life. i never really realized a lot of things but now i realize them. now i’m not just hearing, i’m listening. if someone you trust with everything tells you, you’re running into a fire – maybe, just maybe, for once – you should listen and run around it. i’m sorry. i finally put the pieces together and i acknowledge i sell myself short. there are a lot of bad people in this world and trying to make your mind figure them out, only makes you make the wrong decisions- sometimes you just have to let it go. sometimes you have to just let everything you’ve ever known go and start with the knowledge you have now. and you have to hope that the person whose trust you betrayed and who you hurt will give you the chance to be the better person they make you want to be. one of the more difficult things to do is to cut the deeply rooted roots of some part of you that you desperately want to change. it is a great blessing to meet someone who can make the change easier and faster. it is not your past who determines who you are – it is not the terrible circumstances you have faced or the people who you gave parts of your life to, who you misjudged – it is the decisions you make now that determines who you are. time passes and circumstances change and with this, people change and there is nothing wrong with that. i do not fear change but i sometimes fear myself. what i mean to say is, i fear that my past has manipulated a part of my life so much that i cannot tell the difference between good and evil – that i am not enough to make a difference. and then i opened my eyes and i saw that what i do does make a difference – maybe not in everyone’s lives but in someone’s. people are not all the same. just because one made you feel one way doesn’t mean another will do the same. just because i was wrong about someone doesn’t mean i need to prove that maybe i wasn’t. i cannot change people. but i can change myself. and every wrong decision i’ve made thusfar has had to do with me – nobody else. i didn’t know how to talk about it but now i do.]
she lived most of her life, for as long as she could remember with such a painful secret to bear. she transformed into this person because of the situations she faced and she did not know how to change it – she did not know how to accept what was, to accept people for who they are, to accept that if something or someone is hurting you, you need to let them go, for good. she did not realize how much of her life – this part of her took over. she did not realize that she was destroying herself by allowing past circumstances to infect her present, and her future. opening up was the most difficult part but she realized that just because she was alone in the past doesn’t mean she had to do it alone now. this problematic arrival of events altered every aspect of her life because it wasn’t what it seemed – it was about self-reflection and learning to trust herself again, regardless if she was wrong sometimes. i have never seen a more altered and beautifully transformed reflection than seen now.
“sometimes things look bad when they’re really not. sometimes there’s another explanation for what’s going on.”
she realized she was only hurting herself by keeping this inside so in but four days, she took the initiative to change so when given the chance to speak, she transfers the truth because no matter how deep or painful it could be, it is the only way not to lose something that matters.